Talk:Jeff.Exe/@comment-39103377-20190907061015
There was quite a few flaws to the story itself rather than the character but, if it can help improve the writing, then I will give criticism to the story. To help decipher the errors and the improvement needed, the sections I marked "A" will be the explained flaws and the sections I marked "B" will be the suggestion as to how it can be changed. 1-A. Jeff.exe playing a game to "keep him sane" - I felt this one was a stretch too far into exaggeration rather than a statement. Jeff.exe will have some psychological damage due to his most likely terrible home-life in a mansion filled with murderers, demonic entities and supernatural beings. This is the main reason why I fear OCs like this attending regular schools, it just doesn't fit. Jeff The Killer is an infamous killer as well as psychopath who can slaughter anyone or anything that stands in his way. He shouldn't be able to have children attending regular schools when the only safe option is home-schooling itself. Honestly, it wouldn't make sense why a child with a mentally ill father with a thirst for blood will be able to attend the same school as normal children when his parents and their friends are literal monsters. 1-B. Maybe to improve this character you could make Jeff.exe be home-schooled for the majority of his life until something arises in the mansion that results in Jeff.exe having to disguise himself to seem more like the average person (so it's similar to him being send to do a mission) by attending the school, Jeff The Killer and ReverseVacktor are disguised when out in public (e.g when attending parents' evenings, careers day, etc) to prevent any suspicions about the family. It would make more sense if they were forced to disguise their hidden, and sinister, nature to the outside world rather than Jeff.exe and his parents being allowed to attend the normal school with their past records of murder and mental/emotional damage to the community. 2-A. Jeff.exe being stabbed in the back (literally) and receiving praise for singing a song and revealing the scar to his classmates - This one made me feel like the author was attempting ''to seem like the person who takes metaphors and makes it into character's realities. In this case, it doesn't make sense again. For what reason did the other student have to stab Jeff.exe? For no longer being friends? And, how did he slip a knife into the school? There are so many questions for one sentence forcing a tragedy that could have been avoided at every corner you turned if Jeff.exe was home-schooled. As for the praise, it really felt out-of-place compared to the issue. I mean..."''Some students were crying because of what had happened to him"? He did just leave the hospital a few days later and then he just shows a scar of the attack and...sings a song. They applaud him for his efforts. But, the reason why this is an error in my eyes is that Jeff.exe was just attacked for no reason. It was merely another child stabbing him, they get sent to juvenile "detention" and Jeff.exe just moves on. Hardly anything traumatic then so, what was this section about? 2-B. For this section, maybe you need to change the atmosphere with this scene. His previous friend could have found out who his parents were and, maybe for revenge and the heat of an arguement between the two, he ends up harming Jeff.exe accidentally. This causes Jeff and ReverseVacktor, as his parents, to take charge of the situation with their rules only. 3-A. Ryan raping Jeff.exe - Wow, let's start by getting something important out of the way. No-one, especially people who have never experience the trauma of being raped themselves, should ever use rape or any serious mental condition for an attempt to continue writing. This had to be the most disrespectful thing added into writing, even for a spin-off. Ryan had, once again, no reason to rape Jeff.exe. It was another attempt to force yet another exaggerated tragedy into his origin. It doesn't work like that and shouldn't be used in such a distasteful manner. 3-B. Like I've stated before, this 'needs '''to be removed. Rape is not a writing technique for fans to abuse, it is a terrible act of having un-consensual sex with someone which could possibly permanently traumatise the victim. Nevertheless, the only thing that was partly enjoyable about the character was the happy ending. Even though we never actually see a separate introduction to the character DeadShot, Jeff.exe still has some connection to help overcome the trauma of rape (which is still left to him saying he misses Ryan's love'' as well as the un-necessary time skip of 3 months). However, with my criticism, this should improve in both development and execution when structuring the next re-write for Jeff.exe.